Understanding Birthday Blues: Why Birthdays Can Bring Sadness and How to Cope

Feeling sad on your birthday?

Well, it's not just a Virgo thing.

Birthdays are often portrayed as joyful milestones full of celebration... but, for many, they can trigger an overwhelming sense of sadness, anxiety, or even depression. This phenomenon, commonly referred to as the “birthday blues,” affects people more often than we might think.

If you’ve ever felt a pang of sadness as your birthday approached, you’re not alone.

Why Do People Get the Sad on Their Birthday?

1. Unmet Expectations: Society often frames birthdays as significant celebrations. The pressure to have a perfect day--one filled with laughter, presents, and an abundance of love--can lead to disappointment when reality doesn’t live up to the ideal. Let's face it: life can be really disappointing sometimes.

2. Reflecting on the Past: Birthdays are markers of time, and they naturally lead people to reflect on the past year. For many, it can bring up unresolved feelings of regret, loss, or frustration over unmet goals. Instead of feeling excitement for the future, some may focus on what they haven’t accomplished. It's hard to come to terms with our shortcomings, whether real or imagined.

3. Fear of Aging: For many, birthdays remind them of simply growing older. Fear can be tied to physical changes, worries about health, or societal expectations. HONEST Health Center has multiple elderly clients who grapple with the fear of aging. In a culture that often glorifies youth, this yearly reminder of aging can trigger anxiety or feelings of inadequacy.

4. Loneliness: Not everyone has a wide circle of friends or family to celebrate with. Trust me, I know. For some people, birthdays can highlight feelings of isolation, particularly if loved ones forget, are unable to participate in the festivities, or have passed away.

5. Milestone Pressure: As people reach certain ages, society imposes expectations—graduating from college by a certain age, being married by another, or having a successful career. Whomp, whomp, whomp. Birthdays can be a painful reminder of societal benchmarks that some may feel they haven’t met.

   
   

How to Cope with the Birthday Blues

1. Shift Your Focus: Instead of seeing your birthday as a test or a measure of your achievements, try reframing it as a day for self-care and reflection. You can choose to spend your birthday doing things that bring you joy and comfort-- whether it’s indulging in your favorite hobby or spending quiet time in nature.

   "You don't always have to do something on your birthday; just sit with yourself and do what you enjoy." - Sydney Pollock, MS, RMFTI.

2. Manage Expectations: Social media often amplifies the pressure to have extravagant birthday celebrations. By letting go of these external expectations, you can create a more meaningful experience. Consider simplifying the day—all that matters is that you have a day that you deem positive, however that looks.

3. Plan Ahead: If you know you tend to feel down around your birthday, plan activities that lift your mood. Surround yourself with people who make you feel supported, or schedule something you’ve been looking forward to (like a weekend getaway or a fun activity). I also recommend binge watching a show or series you've been putting off. Why not?

4. Focus on Gratitude: Birthdays can be an opportunity to reflect on the positive aspects of the past year, even if they’re small. Writing a gratitude list can shift your mindset from what’s lacking to what you already have.

5. Seek Support: It’s okay to talk about how you’re feeling with friends, family, or a therapist. Even pets can be wonderful supports on hard days (have you read my post on ESAs?) Sharing your experience with someone you trust can help ease the burden and offer a sense of connection (even if they just have four legs and a tail).

   
   

Embrace Your Own Path

Everyone’s relationship with birthdays is different. While it’s natural to feel emotional or introspective on these milestone days, remember that it’s okay to feel whatever comes up. By acknowledging the emotions behind the birthday blues and taking steps to address them, you can navigate this yearly event with more self-compassion and awareness.

-Sara M. Gorman, LMFT (aka, HONEST's very own Virgo)